Journal Entry

The Mask

A journey back to my authentic nature.

Young Frankey loved nature, animals, creativity and being of service.

As I was growing up I loved our family holidays in the West Country of England. We always had to drive past Stonehenge to get to our holiday destination. Down in this part of England was where I could find crystals and fantasy art.

In the west country I felt surrounded by everything important to me. I later learnt that Stonehenge/Glastonbury is the Heart Chakra of the Earth and I believe that. This place has always opened my heart.

I spent many years in the British countryside. I used to care for and ride horses. I loved being on a farm or in a stable environment with the fresh air, lush green landscapes and all the animals.

Oh man. I always adored animals. They bring me such joy, healing and comfort. I am not sure how I would cope without animals in my life. Their unconditional love is a gift.

I recall making miniature gardens. My mum would give me a tray and I would get mud, pebbles, flowers, grass, twigs, or whatever I could find to create my own little gardens.

I remember having a big grassy field outside the front of our house and in the summer I would love it when the grass got cut so that I could make FLOWER PIES! This was basically a mound I would build from the grass and then I would decorate it with flowers.

I also remember making my own perfumes. I would collect the flowers, mix them in water and leave it in the sun. I would then transfer into little bottles.

I remember how connected I felt to everything as a child. Nature was where I belonged.

Apparently, after my first day of school my mother asked me how my day was and my reply was something like ‘’it was good but I don’t want to go back’’. This pretty much sums up my entire schooling experience.

The first two years of school were OK and then I got held back a year because the school decided that my birthday made me the youngest of my year. It was like starting school all over again. Now I was the oldest of my year and I never fitted with the rest of them. I believe I would have had an easier time in school if they had not done that to me.

To top things off I went to Catholic Schools. They were the best ones around. Apparently.

Slowly but surely, bit by bit, with every year of school I lost more of myself.

What I was learning quite quickly was how unacceptable Frankey was and all the things that I needed to change about myself.

My primary school had a Nun that was pure evil. Even to this day I can’t imagine what that woman was doing there. She hit kids, shamed them and I can even recall her smile making me feel uncomfortable. She did not have a kind bone in her body. I knew she was friends with the local priest and they scared the crap out of me. I was so afraid of them.

Then there were the priests. I am fairly certain every priest that worked at our parish was a pedophile and by the time I went into secondary school, my first year even the Head Teacher was removed for being a pedophile. He had been teaching for 20 years and had a family of 5.

Some of the teachers in secondary school were pedophiles too. I was never molested but I know people that were.

This environment was sick for me and I had to be in it every day. Saying prayers with these unwell people and them telling me that I was born a sinner. I was not perfect. I was completely unacceptable.

Nobody ever concentrated on my gifts, so I never did either and because I did not fit in their box I was marked as an average person.

I remember becoming aware of my body in secondary school. 13 years old, hormones and all. As if the hormones aren't enough, the kids were cruel. I became more and more uncomfortable in my own skin.

I reached my breaking point around age 14 and I started to rebel against all of this bullshit. I felt so fucking ugly and unacceptable that I became a bit like a little wild rabid animal. I was so hurt. I was so angry with absolutely everyone.

This is where my mask gets put on and stays on for a long time. You know the mask that you have to wear so that you are more acceptable to this world? Do you know that mask? It's the mask that hides all of your feelings, all of your boundaries, all of your needs, all of your passions, all of your intuition, all of your natural free spirit.

I took the rebel position in my mask. It may as well have had ‘’fuck you’’ written on the front because that's what I felt. I lost the will to even try and please anyone. I became cynical, bitter, judgmental, superior to everyone else and I stopped caring. This was a very painful downward spiral.

Seriously, it wasn't until around age 24 that I began to realize I am still wearing that mask. It had become protection. I had forgotten that I had even put it on. I thought that mask was me.

I had to make a choice to take the mask off. Leave the blanket of protection and pull down all the walls I had built that hid my true face.

The mask is the ego. It's the story I have identified with.

Over many years now, I have been on a journey of remembrance. Even now, I am still deconstructing the stories and undoing the conditioning I received. Writing helps!

I will be 40 this year and I am still on the journey of remembering my essence, my divine nature and honoring the I AM that I AM.

In an ayahuasca vision, I saw everyone in my life that I ever met leave a handprint on me. Everyone touched me even if I didn't speak to them. All imprinting me with their beliefs about what I am meant to be. I was shown all the hands taken off me and I could see the purity of who I AM. I keep this vision in my heart. It was powerful to experience and a metaphor for what is happening to me. I am on the journey of unbecoming. I am removing all the hands/the beliefs that are not mine.

Recently I had an experience of being able to see the anger I was carrying from a different perspective. As I moved into the feeling I began to realize that the root of it was not about the situation/person or injustice. It was the anger of being separated from my authentic self. And, even deeper, the original separation from Source as I was taught a lie that I am not divine.

I sat with this anger in present moment awareness and found myself in an empty space. Everything I was mad about sat on a chair and we all sat in this space together. From this space and perspective I could see everything I was angry about with no emotion or judgement. I simply sat with it all. After a while I saw these things are a part of my journey but they are not who I am, they are just a story. They are things that have happened but they are not happening in the NOW.

So at present, I am in the NOW! This whole year has been dedicated to presence for me. I am reinforcing my foundations and taking responsibility for my level of awareness every day. This is a strong, grounded place to stand from and anchor in higher consciousness. I am not ascending. I am descending. I’m not here to live on a mountain and meditate all day in the ethers. I am here to bring that wisdom and energy down from the mountain into every day, moment to moment life.

The ride is wild and full of surprises. I am grateful for all of it.